Hospitality requires first of all that the host feels at home in their own house. Henri Nouwen
Several years ago I accidentally attended a Christmas party in a rural domestic violence shelter. I was meeting a young mother and her toddler son for the third time to complete their Medicaid application, but the party was running late and it’s hard to compete with Christmas cookies and volunteers in inflatable Santa costumes. As the party concluded, the volunteers entered the room with armloads of surprise gifts for the children. The mother I was meeting stood in shock. Her toddler son dove into the gifts and began to scream with delight at the pile of toys before him. She began to cry and pushed past the volunteers cursing them as she ran from the room in tears.
I knew why the young mother was angry. She had worked overtime for weeks to save enough money to buy a few small gifts for her little boy. She was elated to have something to give him on Christmas morning. The gifts were small and mostly from the dollar store, but as a toddler he would have been excited to see them. Now her gifts seemed pathetic and cheap compared with the lavish, mostly not-age-appropriate gifts from the volunteers.
But, of course, the volunteers did not know any of this. They were hurt and angry at the young mother’s words and quickly made assumptions about how these people respond to hard earned gifts. Very harsh things were said about the young mother, comparing her with the other grateful residents. The group did not volunteer again.
There are many reasons why one moves toward another human being in need. Pity, anger, and guilt combine with compassion, generosity, and hospitality and a host of other feelings and motivations to form a complex internal storm that can rarely be discerned as donations are gathered and food boxes distributed.
When one neighbor gives to another neighbor in order to receive some intangible affirmation in return, often both parties feel empty and used. Acts of charity can not fulfill my need to feel important, valued, affirmed, seen, or approved. When these needs motivate me the work becomes very much like walking on a frozen pond in early spring. Each step may be solid or it may not. Each interaction, conversation, good deed may yield the desired good feeling or it may reinforce feelings of worthlessness and rejection if those we help do not respond to our goodness with the desired adoration or respect. It turns out that many people in need do not respond to relief efforts or long term commitment with displays of affection and words of praise. In fact, many are unhappy with the help provided and may – for a lot of good and complicated reasons – express only disappointment or the desire for more. As a result the helper can develop patterns of thinking and behaving that are unhealthy.
Is this person grateful?
Do they really deserve the help I am offering?
Do they really need this?
Are they lying to me?
How long are they going to come here looking for help?
Do they do anything to give back?
Some of these questions are valid in developing a strategic plan for distribution of resources. However, when these questions linger in our hearts and minds and become sources of suspicion and paranoia guiding the direction of our service to others, we can find ourselves bitter, exhausted, and ready to quit.
Creating a place where others feel welcome – which is foundational to all social services, ministries, and loving homes – means creating a place that is free from unspoken demands and hidden motivations. No one should walk in the door expected to meet the emotional needs of those providing the services. Reciprocity and the building of genuine interconnected community where members truly depend on one another are components of the ultimate goal. Codependence and unhealthy attachment are not.
Helpers who joyfully engage their neighbors in need and thrive in the work develop disciplines and practices that encourage pure motives and intentions. Individuals, teams, and agencies should find ways to remind one another of the true reasons why they do the work they do and create space to challenge unhealthy motives, intentionally removing the beam from their own eyes before attempting to remove the speck from the eye of their neighbor.
Reflection Questions:
- What do I hope to gain from helping others?
- How do I want to be treated by those I serve?
- What kinds of interactions leave me feeling frustrated and disappointed? Why?
- What kinds interactions leave me feeling energized? Why?
- What do I need from my team members or partners in the work?
- How would I know if I or the group with which I serve have unhealthy expectations from one another or those we support?
